On this women’s day, we decided to share this story by anonymous.
“I’ve never spoken these words out loud before:
I have ruined my life and my children’s lives and I carry a lot of shame. I’m posting only to unburden my spirit a little bit.
I was married for 20 years to a man. I loved it very much and I always thought because I didn’t have a family that if I created one they would bring me a lot of happiness. I tried to have a baby of my own and failed time after time because I have a blood clotting disorder. As a woman there are so many things that we are shamed for and that we carry backpacks full of rocks that we can’t put down because of the society that we live in.
Attempt after attempt to try to have a baby- I lost them all. I could see the disdain in everyone’s face in my ex’s family. All knowing that I was the culprit, that I couldn’t give him the son he wanted. I spent weeks depressed and developed an eating disorder because I didn’t feel like I was enough.
Then finally we came to the decision to adopt our family. I became obsessed with being able to be the one that made this financially possible. I worked myself into the ground; literally worked 7 days a week as an ICU nurse- 12 hour days for 4 years.
Then we finally did it. We adopted three kids from India at different times over three years. Our first child has special needs, but she is brilliant and smart. The next two were much more challenging. Our oldest daughter refused to work, refused to do anything we asked, was defiant at every turn. Then our son became violent and was placed in another home before the adoption was finalized.
My husband left as soon as the children came. He left me to raise them myself. He provided no financial support and he threw us out of the home we built together. I find it ironic that in the scenarios of divorce, it’s always the w0m@n’s fault and when the family doesn’t work out, it’s always the w0m@n’s fault- if the house isn’t clean enough. It’s always the w0m@n’s fault. The m€n never bear any responsibility at all and if they did most of these marriages and families wouldn’t fall apart.
I worked a full time job. I worked out with a trainer. I kept our house looking like a picture in a magazine. Did the yard work. Did the cooking. Did the grocery shopping l. And then he wanted to know why I look so tired all the time, and why I wasn’t perky and happy while he sat around on his butt when he got home from work and did nothing to keep our living, our home in order.
w0m@n are held to a standard no human being can live up to. And I am now left on my own to be the base for these young people, my little family. They are now young adults and deserve so much better than what I give them. It’s literally just me. They have no one else and they deserve so much better.
I have lost literally everything and I’ve had to start all the way over again. I’m going to die alone one day because I wanted to be a mom so bad. I miss my husband. He had his own child with someone else. It’s like one more example of not being good enough. I have destroyed my health trying to be what society expected. I feel like I failed at this parenting thing. I really loved them and I tried. Everything was great when they were young and then they hit the teen years and I did not have the skills or support.
Kids really do need a mom and a dad; and they need stability. My ex doesn’t call them. It’s as though our life, family and everything we built was erased in one day. I would never have chosen this. I love my kids and would die for them. But I have lost everything.
My youngest daughter tells me all the time she doesn’t want to have children. I tell her she doesn’t have to and explained- you may be a single parent if you have children and if you can’t accept having a family on those terms, then don’t do it, because it’s so much harder than you think it is. Emotionally physically, financially and strategically. It’s extremely hard and many of us do not have supportive families anymore because of cancer or estrangement or mental disorders or addiction; there’s always something.
The nuclear family is obliterated; there is no support. There is no strength for many of us, myself included. Thank you for reading my secret. It is a relief to actually write these things out even if it is just a post on Facebook.”
-Anonymous